My recent rejection of the breast implant was a setback to me of having that sweet spot of “normalcy” while continuing the challenge. What I have discovered is that I can do anything if I have a break of “normalcy” and can be in slight denial about my condition which having two breasts would have accomplished.
Having to deal with this infection for two months and end up with nothing is not in my wheelhouse of strength. If something happens to me without my participation or knowledge, I can deal with that, but I can’t deal with trying to fix something and not having that work out. I get things done, that’s actually on my resume, so, well, you can imagine.
Plus I never felt well enough to have any fun, which is important to me in being able to take the next step, which this time is radiation. I’m finding myself very resistant to the whole idea of it which I’m sure is partly normal, but also a function of endless doctors’ appointments and treatments/meds for infection to try to save LaBoobie, leaving me kind of pissy about now 6 1/2 weeks of daily treatments over the holidays, no less.
Last year at this time, pathetic as I was, I was at least starting to feel better and more importantly, I was free! Of course, I had no idea of what and how much lay ahead, but at that time, that was okay.
However, having gone through a ton of chemo and now three surgeries, free or not, the good news is that I feel great! Great as in almost normal, despite the not so normal changes that have happened to my body. My doctors think I’m a star, and I do my best not to disillusion them!
However, being an all or nothing type person, I see that I’m very frustrated by the notion that I can’t just put this all behind me when I feel well. Sometimes, I’ll just have to incorporate cancer into my life even when I think it doesn’t deserve a place.
Not being afraid of the cancer doesn’t mean I don’t have to give it its due.
I hate that part.